Posts

What Should I Do?

               Deep down, I know that I need my counselling sessions yet all I want is to end them. This sounds childlish and ungrateful but I honestly do not see the reason for me being here. I pity my counsellor as she has tried her best to curb these suicidal thoughts inside my head. I did put the effort, but all of that becomes futile when a single criticism hits me, especially by my family members. It physically aches my heart. You must be thinking, how much of a narcissist is she to let a criticism make her want to kill herself? No, I am not a narcissist. These criticisms confirm my worthlessness. Confirm how much of a burden I am. Confirm how much confidence I lack. Confirm how much of a lazy idiot I am. Confirm how slow I am compared to my peers, even those younger than me. Confirm every thought that has been slowly killing me.                   I don't want to be here anymore. I don't see the reason to. I want to die but I'm too scared to feel physical pain. What
Post a Comment
Read more

Awake

It is 6 in the morning. I am awake, well not wide awake. My eyes do sting with tiredness yet I am unable to clear my mind and just go to sleep. As soon as my head sinks into my pillow, thoughts of her occupy my mind. I am afraid of them. They make me anxious, regretful and just tired. I am well aware that she can never come back. I can never hug her again nor tell her how much I love her. All I can do is revisit the memories of us together, of her showering me with love. I regret my actions, I definitely do. I was wrong, rude, basically a bitch. I mistreated her, not only as a mother, as a human too. I hurt her yet I refused to apologise. I regret not taking care of her, not making her feel loved but made her feel the opposite instead. I did not even try to hide the fact that I was frustrated at her, at her illness, at all the attention she required. All she needed was to know that she was loved and I did the exact opposite. Did she die feeling unloved? Does she still feel the same?
Post a Comment
Read more

Introduction

A simple introduction. 19. Probably someone you know. This blog is going to be an outlet or if you would like to call it, a platform to explore my thoughts (hence the title). Might also help me to improve my writing since it is barely required in my current course of study. I hope to not get too personal with my postings here as this is a blog, not a diary. Will include occasional reviews about the anime or movies I have watched. That is all I guess. Hopefully no one I know comes across this sorry excuse of a blog or if I did give you access, then you best believe you are special or something.
Post a Comment
Read more