Awake

It is 6 in the morning. I am awake, well not wide awake. My eyes do sting with tiredness yet I am unable to clear my mind and just go to sleep. As soon as my head sinks into my pillow, thoughts of her occupy my mind. I am afraid of them. They make me anxious, regretful and just tired. I am well aware that she can never come back. I can never hug her again nor tell her how much I love her. All I can do is revisit the memories of us together, of her showering me with love. I regret my actions, I definitely do. I was wrong, rude, basically a bitch. I mistreated her, not only as a mother, as a human too.
I hurt her yet I refused to apologise. I regret not taking care of her, not making her feel loved but made her feel the opposite instead. I did not even try to hide the fact that I was frustrated at her, at her illness, at all the attention she required. All she needed was to know that she was loved and I did the exact opposite. Did she die feeling unloved? Does she still feel the same?
If she was here, right now, I would hug her for the longest time (she loved hugs) and tell her that I love her. I would apologise for all those times I hurt her.

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