What Should I Do?

               Deep down, I know that I need my counselling sessions yet all I want is to end them. This sounds childlish and ungrateful but I honestly do not see the reason for me being here. I pity my counsellor as she has tried her best to curb these suicidal thoughts inside my head. I did put the effort, but all of that becomes futile when a single criticism hits me, especially by my family members. It physically aches my heart. You must be thinking, how much of a narcissist is she to let a criticism make her want to kill herself? No, I am not a narcissist. These criticisms confirm my worthlessness. Confirm how much of a burden I am. Confirm how much confidence I lack. Confirm how much of a lazy idiot I am. Confirm how slow I am compared to my peers, even those younger than me. Confirm every thought that has been slowly killing me.

                  I don't want to be here anymore. I don't see the reason to. I want to die but I'm too scared to feel physical pain. What if I survive, but with a disability, I would be even more useless than before. I want to die but am too scared to do it. See, I am even pathetic in this area. What is the fucking point anymore. My sister would be freed from me as a responsibility and a burden. My father would spend RM100,000s lesser and my another sister would finally be happy because she gets my room. At this point, I'm sure my absence would be happiness to everyone around me. My friend C, would have a huge weight off his shoulders, without that clingy Indian girl he needs to comfort everytime she gets depressed. My friend H would be relieved to not be seen with that fat, ugly and slow Indian girl. I'm done. I can't cope with my studies. I can't do anything, at all.